Sentiment de sécurité

Mars 2008

While I was pregnant I slept with a pillow between my legs. It seemed to ease my tension, it was easier on my back and knees. I was very slim at the time and my knees rubbing together when I was sleeping on my side hurt me a bit. Weird feeling anyway. That pillow made me feel secure. Since much of what happened to me happened during the night, having the pillow was sort of a shield.

I stopped using it a couple of months ago because I toss and turn so much that I would wake to replace the pillow. It made me feel naked not to have it.  Last night, I felt better after confiding myself with my blog. But around 1 o’clock, I woke and had trouble falling back to sleep.

I thought about my rapes, I had images, flashbacks and would think about how it made me relate to others and how sex has been difficult. I also thought about my cat’s litter box, what to eat for lunch and breakfast and chocolate… Sleep was evading me.

Since I know I need at least 9 hours every night to feel good and I was exhausted from all the hours missing from my sleep routine and my muscle toning class, I took to the pillow again. I also put a few drops of peppermint oil on my pillows. I felt comfy. That oil smells good, like childhood, and it makes me breathe more profoundly. It is then easier to sleep.

I did sleep. I had no nightmares but I did have vivid dreams. I was never a blanky and thumb-sucking child. I guess I now need the blankies I didn’t have back then.